Sorry

I don't really know who reads this, or if anyone reads it since I have not been consistent at posting. I am at a different point in my life now. When I started blogging it was because I needed a place that seemed safe and portfolio like (in case I ever became a big shot writer). Now I need a place to just say what I want and how I, as a part-time adult, am dealing with it. So here goes, my first online admission:

I am so happy right now, and yet I feel so useless. Let me start a few months ago. Back in May I started dating this guy, I had no idea if we would last or what would come of it. Two weeks into the relationship- it got real. We had a great time until late July when he lent me his car, just like he had before. I don't have my own car so we shared his car for a bit. To keep things short, I totaled his car. I was an emotional wreck, and felt I deserved the worst possible treatment. He and I were on the rocks, but he didn't leave. I felt useless. I wanted to do everything I could for him- drive him where he needed to be, do all of the car paperwork for him, pay all of the fees associated with the accident and buy him another car. I still feel useless in a lot of those areas but-  

Fast forward to October, we are going so strong!! We are both working full time, and he is going to school as well. We found out I was pregnant!!! Fantastic. I don't know if you will read that sarcastically or not, but just know I still haven't decided how to read it. Now its late November, I no longer work full time, yet I am still trying to pay off all car related bills. He is now bring in all the dough, and yet I feel so responsible for the bills- Oh right, and we are expecting.

I am going to stop my story now, so that I if there are people who read my blog I leave them wanting more. Comment if you want. I know this writing is choppy in and out of the story, but I want to make it clear that I am not looking for sympathy or advice. I am just posting in case anyone thinks there is a normal life pattern- there is not. 

Failing at Recovery

I can only try,

I dont slice my skin

my system is out of blood

I wish i could just stop and enjoy

but the pills in my mouth- cause trouble in my throat/

more then before

the monster was never my knife

it was me

mind racing

clock ticking

pill swallowing

GONe

        n

        d

PUZZLE FOR SALE

PUZZLE FOR SALE

Sorry I haven't been updating this...

Hey guys, I am so sorry. I forgot how much I love writing. And I am cleaning out my childhood bedroom and found lots of good stuff- so hopefully Ill be posting that within the next week. but for Now Please understand that I just lost my way for a pinch and I still plan to keep updating the blog. Even if it is only for a spurt of like 2 months every year.

A.T.H.E.A.R.T

A Pillar

This not only supports whatever lay on top of it

He or she who may lean on it, will never fall

Eternities may pass and you can always count on it

Arbitrary as it may be, this steady and solid thing remains

Regardless of emotional wishes, it never has only one job

True Love

February 5 2013. One Year.

I cried,

I wailed,

I made mistakes. 

I was so weak, 

I broke. 

ONE YEAR LATER

I am becoming stronger,

I am making amends,

My wailing is no longer silent. 

My crying is no longer quiet, 

I am learning. 

Being a Teenager

Teens, YOLO, just do it

Three phrases; one bond

They share a common misunderstanding

Meaning what?

Meaning exactly that,

Teens – only refers to numbers between ages

YOLO – seems to mean do it because you can

Just do it- meaning not to care about the process in which you decide what you do

They are opposites, yet also synonyms

As ‘teens’ we are often told

“these are the best years of our lives”

And “we should live a little”

So in following the advice of those older then us

We should not care about small things, but what is small?

Beyond the letters of this message lay the most interesting question

Are these people saying that we should just live ‘YOLO’

Should we only care about doing things, because we can?

I am often told “enjoy being young”

What does that mean?

I cannot keep living in a mixed up society

Strong

I was strong
Stronger then I had ever been
I had forgotten about it, I had learned. 
Or so I thought. 
But when it happened again
My wall broke and punched me where it hurt
I couldn't resist
I am sorry,
I thought I was better, but I guess I'm not 

Look at the LIGHTS

Great for some

Great for me

I am a person, I deserve what is best for me.

That is what is best 

Than I have no excuse!

I am able to adjust to new things well,

So stop worrying

What else

Nothing. Nothing thought of.

See you can't think of anything,

So why not choose what is best

Stop. Think. 

Just because you are comfortable,

Doesn't mean best

Spilling My Everything

You make me want to be a better person

It’s like you are telling me that I am great the way I am,

But I WANT to impress you and be better

The crazy part is; you haven’t said a word

That look in your eyes tells me so much, more than just emotion

Eye conversations between us, is our communication from afar

But then when we part I feel different. Not a good different.

It’s as if what happened, didn’t. And what I felt, I didn’t.

And that person I so badly wanted to be, vanished.

Everything. Disappeared.

I still think about you, but nothing attached

My thoughts of you are mostly my worries of teenage actions, being only teenage actions

The future has plans for me, and I hope to see you.

Without Wants

You make me feel safe, without a net

You make me feel comfortable, without a pillow

You make me feel beautiful, without words

You make me feel loved, without the love

You make me feel wanted, without the pressure

When you speak, your words mean hundreds of things

When you laugh, your laugh means that I can cause you happiness

When you looked me in the eyes, I knew that I did something right.

My Oath

I will make you laugh
   when you want a laugh
I will make you feel loved
   when you want love
I will make you happy
   when you want happy
I will make you shine
   when you want shine
I will make you joyous
   when you want joy
and
I will make you my reality.
and that is my OATH to you.

Bully VS Bullied

Bully.
Maybe you did, maybe you didn't
Now, seeing you in this light. I see it.
You are a bully.
You were my bully.
Bullied me into the friendship
Bullied me into the love I feel
Bullied me into believing you were true.
I now face a costly challenge
Whether to confront you
Or
Forget about you

Because of you, I will never be the same.
Usually friendly, but not me, because of you.
Last to be thought of as bullied.
Laughs get quieter and more silent.
You will never know the pain you caused me, and you can never undo it.

A Freak

You know what being called a freak by a friend is like?

No, you don’t. Because you have never been hurt like I have.

You have only seen suffering, never knowing what the cause truly is

I feel like you have drilled a hole, and will never be able to see how big it really is

You never understood me, did you?

Did you ever really care?

The look you give me

The feeling you gave me

The words you spoke to me

The memories we shared together

They have all changed

I guess the in the future

We will meet again

But until then, I will see you in our memories

Use The Word You Mean

Shy

Embarrassed

Are they synonyms?

I feel that it is arguable.

Shy means easily frightened away

Whereas

Embarrassed can mean ashamed of

Choose the word you mean

Wrong words hurt

Think carefully

Or else

Real Friends

A real friend knows they can push your limits
A friend doesn't know what your limits are
A real friend knows how to handle your situations
A friend doesn't even know your situations
A real friend can finish your sentences
A friend doesn't under your sentences
A real friend knows that no matter what you say, you will always be there
A friend can't understand this

Feelings. Change.

Beware of change

It sneaks up on you, laughing in your face

If it changes for the bad, make the best choice

It will be hard, it will be strange

But learn from it. I did.

It only came up when I realized something was missing

Along time ago I never knew how you had changed me

But today I can say whole-heartedly that you changed me into LIANNA

Had I never met you I would not be as self-confident as I am now

When we laughed, hearing your laugh was always the best part of my day

And now, it’s my enemy.

I wish I could say that I hate you, but change happened all too fast

So I never got to say, those words that I really felt

I still feel

But change happened,

It happened to you, it happened to me, and

US

Be The Trust

Be true

Never lie

The worst lie, is when you say you will always be here

But then you leave every time

Don’t be the one that tells me you will forever be by my side,

Be the one that shows me you will forever be beside me

Understand the that when I tell you

You become my treasure, because those words can define a person,
ME

The Never Ending Staircase

Life is like a never ending staircase
Our friends and family act as the handrails
Various sections of the stairs may not have them
Embrace your family and friends, they are worth holding onto.